I DIVORCED MY FAMILY

I DIVORCED MY FAMILY

Kate, 35, is a sales consultant from Newport. She says cutting ties with her family is less painful than how unhappy they make her feel

I wasn’t planned. My brothers are ten and twelve years older and I just seemed to be in the way for them and my mother. She was always saying; “if I hadn’t had you I could have done X and Y’ – I felt like I was a burden; a horrendous mistake. I hated living at home. My ambition from as far back as I can remember was to leave.

However much I tried with my mum and brothers, whatever I did was wrong. So I sought love and comfort from people who weren’t my family. Our next door neighbor was lovely – she would cuddle me, plait my hair and help with my homework. She’d also tell me I was pretty and clever, and she meant it. She was more of a mum to me than my own mum and I’ll always remember her kindness.

            If I ever went to my mum with a problem, she’d yell at me to stop moaning. She never praised me for anything, no matter how good my grades were- and they were very good. I remember coming top of the class in biology test – I got 98% but mum wanted to know why I hadn’t got 100%.

 

            My dad was a nice man, but was hardly ever around. He was in forces and away for long stretches. When he came back, he’d spend hours at the pub saying he needed to relax.

            I would have liked to continue my education, but I couldn’t face staying at home. I knew I had to get a job and leave school when I was 16 – there was no way my parents would support me through A levels. So I did shorthand and typing at night classes. A friend encouraged me to apply for a job as a secretary, saying I could share her room. I got the job, and packed a suitcase and left. I was tearful and trembling when I closed the garden gate, but I knew I was doing the right thing.

            For the first time in my life, I felt happy. Little things like someone asking if I’d like a cup of tea or did I mind if they changed the TV channel, made me feel I was a person to be respected not sneered at. I realized not only could I survive without my, I was happier without them.

            I met Marc, an estate agent and we married when I was 21 – he was 29. He’s supportive, kind, loving – all the things my family never were. I didn’t invite any of my family to the ceremony, but Marc’s more than make up for it. He’s from a big, close-knit family and they have welcomed me like one of their own.

            Six years ago, out of the blue, mum tracked me down and phoned me. She said dad had retired and wanted to see me. But that made me more angry. I thought, if she wants to see me why doesn’t she say so and if he does, he should say so himself. I received several letters from mum and ignored them all. Its sounds childish, but I wanted to punish her. Then I got a letter saying dad had died – the funeral had been and gone. I felt bereft, and couldn’t explain why. I barely knew him. When mum contacted me he was probably already ill, and he just didn’t want me to know.

            Having a child of my own has put some things in perspective and I know parenting is hard. Sometimes I even think I sound like my mum! But still I still feel very angry about the way she treated me. Marc encourages me to build bridges but I’m not sure. Last month it was the anniversary of my dad’s death and I went and put some flowers on his grave. I felt better but I don’t think I’m ready for the rest of my family just yet. Maybe I never will be.

 

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